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Post by .{.Zeecarian.}. on Aug 18, 2007 12:36:41 GMT -5
I know it wasnt my fault. I know Austin doesnt blame me. Or Dixie.Or Jake. But I cant help but feel....guilty. Like I did something wrong...I didnt do anything though....Did I? Did I somehow do something to make that happen?Maybe what I cant remember happening in that room was my fault...Maybe I did something....I just dont remember. I remember going to in the room then waking up in the mourning.No details.... Not that I want to remember. I just feel....guilty is all. God , If I say that one more time I am going to slap myself. So this week has been interesting. I thought I could trust Danny , but I couldnt.....Austin was really there for me though. He stayed with me threw the weeks I was in the hosptial. Danny was no where to be found.And im glad. Lets see what else...Oh yea , dying is strange. I died.I wouldnt let them do an abortation so I couldt have the meds...And I needed them.Leukimia is rough....It hurts. Not just like normal hurt.You feel so weak , and tired , like you're just going to fall asleep....I thought I was falling asleep when I died.... It was so weird. For a few moments after my heart and breathing stopped I was still there. I could feel Austin's tears on my cheeks. But I wasnt sad....I dont know why. Then nothing.Just nothing.Like falling asleep. But Im here now.... I dont know how much later this was but somehow I ended up...waking up?...In the middle of my atopsy. I guess they were just about to crack my ribs. I thought bone marrow being taken while awake was painful , I was wrong compared to that. My chest was cut open and you could pretty much see my oragans. They didnt know I was alive as there was a sheet over my face. So I screamed. I dont remember what happened after that.I remember getting an injection in my arm , then waking up in my room at the hosptial with Jake and Dixie and Austin there. I was glad to see them. I guess they did surgery on me , It still hurts alot. Austin accidently touched my cut , but I didnt tell him he did. I didnt want to make him feel...bad?I guess.Im sorry Im not writing well.My hand's shaking alot. Needless to say...Baby's gone. I dont know if im sad....or mad....or....happy... Well ,I think ive rambled on enough about all this. Lifes tough , Ill get over it.
August 18th 2007
~Rachel Crone~ [/blockquote][/color] |
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