-Journal Of Impossible Things-

[»BI_ã!d I)r\/\/g«]

"I'm not just a Time Lord.I'm the last of the Time Lords."

Well,it's true.I just wish it wasn't.I mean,how many people actually enjoy feeling the earth hurtling underneath you,how many can actually feel it spinning,and if the stop,life stops to.No-one would,because no ones experiences.It's like the Isolus,that took over Chloe?Bearing in mind they have a family of about 4 billion..I think it's safe to say I'm the Isolus of Earth.It said to me,before I let it go: It's not fair.Why can't we have our family and everyone else can,Doctor? How true.Life isn't fair.But what am I supposed to do about it?If I go back in time and stop the Time War,the human race will be harvested,mutated.And..I can't do that.I thought when I blew up Gallifrey..even though my people died,the Daleks did too.But I was wrong.I lost them for nothing.Until last Wednesday.But that's not the point!

But I guess,it's not like I'm alone.That'd just be selfish,and I think one of my first speeches after my previous regeneration went something like: See,that's the thing.I don't know who I am anymore,Rose!And you,Sycorax fella,you have to wait while I find out.Am I..alone?Am I...brooding?Am i..Depressed?Well,the thing I know for sure is that I've obviously got a big mouth. None of the above!Except possibly the Big mouth part.But anyway,I'm not alone,depressed,or brooding.I have Praesul,K9,Drake,Lilly..Well,I don't know about Drake,actually.I checked his bone resonance and I know somethings not right,but it's like having sunglasses on at night,you just can't quite see what it is you're looking for.(Generally the door,from past experience.)God,I'm just a big ray of sunshine,aren't I.Look at me,rambling on to this piece of paper.Ah well.Prae can write her lyrics and I can write.Stuff.

There's so many memories that I'm going to put down her,just for the sake of it.Not like anyones going to read it,Praesul if you read this you are to know that you're included.

Like the time I had to extrapolate the graphite being ensconced in the caging of polarite..Essentially rubbing it out with a machine,and Rose said that kids can be right little terrors.My response to that was 'You just need to understand them.They just need someone there to guide them,to hold their hand.' Rose stared and asked me if I was on the alien's side.I said 'No.I just prefer to get down to the actual problem.' Rose laughed at that.I didn't.Who would,when you have your hand in a glass cage with 50000 Tesla radiation in it?Anyway,she said 'Not like you'd know,you've probably never been near even a father.' And i answered,'I'e been a father before.'

So,it's true.This was before Praesul.Before she was even born,I am 80 years old.Yes,I was a father.I don't see whats wrong with that.Is it like,because I'm not near the child anymore I;m not allowed to be a father?It's hard,keeping your race from going extinct.But no-one would ever know that,would they?Too wrapped up in their own everyday little problems,with their tiny little human brains,wondering whats going to happen.And I can't see it all,everything that ever was,everything that ever could be,everything that ever will be.And it hurts,it burns.

I can't expect them to know how it feels,and I don't want floods of pity.Like Rose said."Are you okay?".I'm always okay,was my answer.It's true.Normal sicknesses don't affect Time Lords a lot,and I'm fine mentally.IQ of 47635-66165467646592,and not be fine?Never!I just wish it had never happened,that I hadn't been there on the front line.The Chula warriors advancing,the rest fall one stands.It's an allegory of my life,I suspect.But I like my life right now,I'm going to stand up and defend the race that made it possible.I saw the alternative Earth.I don't want this one gonig the same way.

I'm so cheery,aren't I?A big ray of bright golden sunshine.Ah well!I've successfully rambled for a page now,I have to go anyway.Somethings beeping at me,and besides,I'm tired.I just got out of a Re-generation coma.I don't think I'm lonely,by the way,I just wanted to kind of..empty out for once.I kind of feel alone sometimes,its amazing what a piece of paper can do to you!And a pen,biros are good.Till next time.Possibly tomorrow morning,it depends on whether I do or not.Ha.

The Doctor:

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[»BI_ã!d I)r\/\/g«]

I lost her once,Van Statten.I can't do it again.

Is it physically impossible for me to have a normal day?Is every day of my 18000 year life going to have people either die on me,kidnap me,drive a race to extinction,or have a house blow up??Welll today certainly felt like it,anyway.Drake.That's the one flaw in the plan.He killed Lilly.my daughter,his sister.And Praesul..She had a bit of a rough day.To make mine seem like a day at the beach drinking mimosa.He cast a hologram of her using DNA reconstructing hardware,and killed her.But then I think the residual heartbeats resonating brought her back.Albeit not quite 100%,she's fine!Which is good,because otherwise I don't know what i would have done..Too many people I know have died.It's not fun anymore,it's not adrenaline filled.It's just sad.It's just depressing to see all the more bodies.Just this once,everybody lives.Sure.I don't believe myself.For how long?

"If there's one thing I believe in..just one thing..I believe in her."

Rose did it,too.I have absolutely no idea why I wrote that,it;s kind of strange.Like the watch that the Chameleon Arch pours everything Time Lord into if I want to become a different species.I can be anything,Human,Celtian..It makes me wonder,if i have all the technology,why do i never use it?I suppose it's kind of foreboding.Both me and Praesul.the last of our species.Just for an hour,I had another Time Lord.It was an interesting experience,really.Just..sensing the presence,it was deep and dark,so new you could almost feel it bending back on time.

I can't say it was bad.I certainly can't say it was good.I wondered earlier if it had affected her,somehow.She seems to be quieter,I wonder if the ability to see all that ever was scared her a little.But then,I don;t know.I probably won't.And fire..What is it that scares her so much about it,I wonder?Just a superheated mass of heat and light.Just heat in its solid form.Ha.Listen to me ramble,I must sound like some crazed,delinquent pyromaniac.

I had a dream.And I don't know why I had it,but I remembered the Academy.Graduating.And the thing is,there was nothing to trigger that memory.It just..happened.I don;t know why.

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[»BI_ã!d I)r\/\/g«]

"And you dismissed it, because what choice do you have when you see something you can't possibly explain?"

You do,don't you?Just the tiniest flicker that moves just in the corner of your eye,a beast in repose,and you ignore it,because what choice do you have if no one is going to believe you?There's a storm approaching,a think,and I have a feeling it has to do with Drake.But then,I've been wrong before.Not often,mark you,but I have.I was wrong to think that I ended the Time War when I killed my race.I was wring to take Praesul into the burning house and out her in danger.I can feel it,the huge reserves of ionic power are drawing together.ah well.I know Praesul's been a Time Lord now,but I don't intend to let her know the things I can do.They're vaguely scary sometimes.

For starters I can identify chemicals by tasting them,thanks to the Academy.I can literally feel all power reserves building them up and i can name the parallel universes.I like that,it's a little bit of home for me.Like the TARDIS,I would literally die to keep it hidden away from all my enemies.I've been Celtian before.I;m not entirely willing to do it again,the Chameleon Arch feels like I'm being pulled apart.I remember the time I did it to save Martha,keep ourselves hidden.I was literally screaming in pain.It was not fun.But if it means keeping another species from going extinct I would.Too many friends of mine have died.With Martha..I wound up getting married and having kids as a human.All that time I had had all the Time Lords..stuff,i guess,locked up inside my silver watch,and I thought I;d been born human.I had to leave them.Martha was glad.The rest of my 'family' wasn't.I really don't plan on doing that again.

"They survived through me."

Annnyway,enough about depressing,morbid things now!It was funny tonight,at like 1:30 am.I couldn't sleep,and I stood up,when I heard this thump.we both kept dropping stuff and the conversation went something like: '-thud- You okay??'Yeah,fine!-thump- You right?' And on and on it went.I found my extrapolator,too!I loved that machine,and I found it again!It was built for a school assignment.I did say the TARDIS was a little bit of home,and it is.I;d never give it up for anything. Although I am going to have to bring it to Cardiff soon to fuel up on the rift..But I may wait till Praesul's had the kid to do that.The Rift gases can sometimes have side effects on other races,but I don't know about Celtians.

"I was a father once."

Once.I don't know if I can be called one anymore,at least not yet.I don't know if this is right,but I have the strangest feeling one of the kids is a Time Lord.I don't want to let Praesul know though,in case I;m wrong.Ah well.That's enough rambling for tongiht,I think.

Biros are good!

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[»BI_ã!d I)r\/\/g«]

We'll go down fighting,yeah Doctor?

Yeah.Fighting what?A storms approaching,somethings coming.I don't know what or when.To happier subjects now,anyway.Praesul's due any day now..Mixed emotions!!I know it;s twins,but I don't think she knows that I know,if that makes any sense.Which it probably doesn't,but then I don't make sense to most humans either.It doesn't matter,I'm the Doctor.And if I wasn't like I am now i wouldn;t be the Doctor.

Never ever say never ever

I can;t stop thinking about Cassandra lately.I was at that party of one of Prae's friends,I dunno who.But I keep remembering what she said to me..'You could have saved us.'I honestly can't write anymore.more to orrow,maybe

Biros are good

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